I don’t think my car can fly
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always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
plums roundup
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Why I divorced her.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Lucky old June.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.