@GroovyTasia

I don’t think my car can fly

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@DavidAndRobShow

Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.

@TheAlexNevil

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

@robdelaney

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

@a_simpl_man

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

@egg_dog

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

@ItsDanSheehan

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

@DCpierson

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.