Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
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Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink