Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
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There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Just a reminder, folks:
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.