Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
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Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
The honesty is refreshing
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Am getting real tired of your crap…
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?