Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
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the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.