Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
![]()
You Might Also Like
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
this article brought to you by lions
![]()
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
![]()
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
🍛
![]()
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
![]()
![]()
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.