Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@BradBroaddus

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

@BlackCatBettie

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

@VerifiedBakchod

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

@ColoradoUgly

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.

@Adam_Kingsnorth

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

@bridger_w

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

@SexySpainNights

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

@JasonNotEvil

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

@QwertyJones3

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

@DartsBofficial

Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.