Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
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Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
The honesty is refreshing
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Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
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UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Am getting real tired of your crap…
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*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?