“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
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Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.