Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
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In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.