Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
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when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Milk Cube
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*