no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
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I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Stop sending me this shit.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color