*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
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glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Imma just leave this here…………