People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
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ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
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The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?