People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
You Might Also Like
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>