Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
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My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
(Musicians.)
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
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4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*