you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
You Might Also Like
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so