I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
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houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs