Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
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(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
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THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
My birth announcement for our third baby
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i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.