Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
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just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.