(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
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Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.