My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
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i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
handsome & gretel
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Bros before Ohioes