@PORNOPINION

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

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@TheBoydP

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

@Thepocketjustin

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

@Burger_Time_

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

@gracecamille_

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

@emptyheadtwo

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

@_Water_Baby

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

@954LeenO

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

@vineyille

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true