Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

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Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.


I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.


[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first


*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid


I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff


No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.


Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.


[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true