Why is no one talking about this?!
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When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Software Development ⛵️
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.