If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
my favorite genre of twitter
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺