The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
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Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
what could possibly go wrong?
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
pictures of spider-man
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.