Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
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BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.