I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
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My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.