Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
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ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Still cracks me up
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”