I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
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Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.