Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
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Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.