Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
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Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.