[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
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Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons