Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
seems fine
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore