50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
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(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Best seat on the street 😍