Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
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Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
True statement👍😏😁
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Love is always patient and kind.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend