Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
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a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?