I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
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*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
😲 WTF? 😆
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.