My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
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Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
When your man makes a valid point
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.