Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
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The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
This squirrel eats better than I do
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.