Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
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Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
remains to be seen, not heard
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.