Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
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Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?