me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
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Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”