Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
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One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Home #decor warning.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.