Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
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[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me too 😆
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me