crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
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god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…