CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
You Might Also Like
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’