zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
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[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.