Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
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Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
We’re all getting idioter.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
this is me
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!