Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
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You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.