Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
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Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”