me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
You Might Also Like
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me