Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
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Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.