Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
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My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Noah was an idiot.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect