She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
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Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch