I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
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Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
🤭😂
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.