Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
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The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Well, that didn’t work.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.