I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
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My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Hi everyone,
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I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
I am all good here, 😂😉